What Goes Down Can Come Back Up. Beast of Burden 50

“I think I might be done”.  
“I just don’t feel it anymore”
“I haven’t trained”
“I don’t know if I want to do it”
“I’m not sure it’s my happy anymore”
I spouted all of this and more to Mark the night before the Beast.   He knew it wasn’t typical pre-race insanity. He knew I meant it.

“Well, there’s yoga” he encouraged.

I lost my brother a month ago.   One minute his blood was pumping through his body the way it was supposed to.  The next, it took a different path, and took him with it. Gone. Just. Like. That.

I tried, I really tried to be me, but I was pretending.  I was listening to my excuses. OMG! Was I listening to my own excuses!  I wasn’t finding restorative sleep. I wasn’t taking care of me, and my body was letting me know it.  I wasn’t as alive as I could be.

At the starting line, which is never a healthy place for me, I envisioned just not running.  Just simply letting the herd go by, and going off to find somewhere that I could hang out. I almost did it.  I swear, I could see my car, and I was ready to disappear.

All that stopped me was a little voice I heard in my head: “Come back, Eva”.  And, that voice got me to run past my car, and to embrace vitality of the moment I was in. I didn’t give a damn about finishing/racing/pace/chatting/building up others/smiling etc.   I just had to find a way to me.

I live my life.  Without sounding grandiose, I want to pack this one life  with as many memories as I can. I want to experience every experience.  I want to laugh hard, love strong, and be present. I want to rest my head at night, knowing I have filled the day.  I could honor my brother by doing my best and enjoying what I love to do It’s how he approached life.

All I did physically on Saturday, was put one foot in front of the other for fifty miles.  For my soul, it was emotional CPR.

I don’t regret the process.  It helped me find a good way of looking at a bad thing.  It made me remember that I am very much alive, and that I run through what life gives me. I know I am here today and could be gone tomorrow.  It is my job to be the best me I can be.

I’ll never know where that voice came from, or why those words called me to action.  I do know that, I’ve been picking up the pieces, making forward progress, and coming back.


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