What Goes Down Can Come Back Up. Beast of Burden 50
“I think I might be done”.
“I just don’t feel it anymore”
“I haven’t trained”
“I don’t know if I want to do it”
“I’m not sure it’s my happy anymore”
I spouted all of this and more to Mark the night before the Beast. He knew it wasn’t typical pre-race insanity. He knew I meant it.
“Well, there’s yoga” he encouraged.
I lost my brother a month ago. One minute his blood was pumping through his body the way it was supposed to. The next, it took a different path, and took him with it. Gone. Just. Like. That.
I tried, I really tried to be me, but I was pretending. I was listening to my excuses. OMG! Was I listening to my own excuses! I wasn’t finding restorative sleep. I wasn’t taking care of me, and my body was letting me know it. I wasn’t as alive as I could be.
At the starting line, which is never a healthy place for me, I envisioned just not running. Just simply letting the herd go by, and going off to find somewhere that I could hang out. I almost did it. I swear, I could see my car, and I was ready to disappear.
All that stopped me was a little voice I heard in my head: “Come back, Eva”. And, that voice got me to run past my car, and to embrace vitality of the moment I was in. I didn’t give a damn about finishing/racing/pace/chatting/building up others/smiling etc. I just had to find a way to me.
I live my life. Without sounding grandiose, I want to pack this one life with as many memories as I can. I want to experience every experience. I want to laugh hard, love strong, and be present. I want to rest my head at night, knowing I have filled the day. I could honor my brother by doing my best and enjoying what I love to do It’s how he approached life.
All I did physically on Saturday, was put one foot in front of the other for fifty miles. For my soul, it was emotional CPR.
I don’t regret the process. It helped me find a good way of looking at a bad thing. It made me remember that I am very much alive, and that I run through what life gives me. I know I am here today and could be gone tomorrow. It is my job to be the best me I can be.
I’ll never know where that voice came from, or why those words called me to action. I do know that, I’ve been picking up the pieces, making forward progress, and coming back.